I’ve been thinking about the grander things I’d like to do in life, and thought it would be a good thing to put on a blog. I think Annie Downs, or maybe Skip Hopkins said that put it out there for people to see would help you accomplish it more. So, thanks, Annie and/or Skip. I’m halfway dedicating this post to you, and halfway to the actual subject matter. ; )

At first I toyed with the idea of a full on Bucket List post…but figured everyone has the same overall hopes. To visit every country in the world. To climb Kilimanjaro. To help end poverty. To be asked by Brad Pitt to adopt a baby from a foreign country of his choice…after he asks you to marry him. ::Sigh:: But, since we all have those on our overarching list, I thought I’d focus on the smaller, more detailed items. Thus, it’s my lunch pail list.

1 :: To be in 3 feature films. Or maybe 8. Okay…okay…I draw the line at 29. Maybe.

2 :: To relearn Hebrew. And actually use it this time.*

3 :: To work with the International Justice Mission in opening and maintaining safe houses for victims of sex trafficking and slavery.

4 :: To live in Scotland. For at *least* 6 months.

5 :: To watch the sun rise and set over the Egyptian pyramids.

That’s the lunch pail. If you want to help me get there…I’d love to let you.

*If you happen to have the Rosetta Stone for Hebrew…I’ll be happy to take it off your hands for a short time. At no charge. : )

I’m bitter.

It’s an incredibly ugly part of me. Something I don’t admit to in conversation. Something I try to cover up for the most part. But I believe in order for there to be healing, things must be brought to light. (And it’s 2010, so how *else* would you bring something to light other than on a blog?? Heh.)

Over the past few years, I’ve managed to get hurt. A lot. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes for silly reason, sometimes for no reason at all. But I’ve kept track of every slighting I’ve received. I’ve remembered the people and places and circumstances that have caused me to cry, or become angry, retreat within myself, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And each time something new has come up, it’s compounded everything else in my heart. I’ve become something I never wanted to be. I have thin skin and a hard heart. For a lot of my relationships, I’ve created a no win situation for people. People cannot win with me. I set them up for failure. And I truly…truly…truly hate it.

It’s part of why I’m taking a 40 day break from Facebook. Status updates, pictures, comments going back and forth in the mini feed…so many things just added to this admittedly unrealistic pile of hurt. So for the remaining 29 days (and beyond), I’m working to surrender the bitterness. And God is being faithful.

I’ve been going over the story of Joseph…and I’m simply amazed that he didn’t seem to get bitter. Here’s a man whose own BROTHERS sold him into slavery because they hated him that much. Then he had a life with moments of extreme favor, then extreme punishment, and he ended up being placed in a position of power over all of Egypt by the Pharaoh himself. And when a famine occurred, Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt to buy grain and met with their long lost brother, who they had assumed was dead. And what did Joseph say to his brothers? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. (you can read the full account in Genesis 37-50)

That’s it. He didn’t put them in their place. He didn’t use his power to punish them. He didn’t ignore them. He wasn’t passive aggressive. He spoke KINDLY to them. He took care of them.

That is my desire. To live in freedom and love deeply. To set aside my expectations of people and relationships and draw strength and wisdom from the One who created me. I want to forgive and seek forgiveness from those I’ve hurt, and have hurt me. And I want to live as though Heaven is here and now.

Want another story of forgiveness? Read Corrie ten Boom’s story. It’s short and humbling.

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As an aside, just in case there are people out there giving me a hard time for posting this on Facebook, don’t fret. My blog automatically imports into ye olde FB. So I’m not breaking any rules. : ) You can read the original entry here.

Step 1 :: Take the hour before to stress about what you’re going to WEAR to the audition, rather than brushing up on your sides.

Step 2 :: Begin to drive to your audition 10 minutes later than you wanted to because you simply weren’t sure of the outfit.

Step 3 :: Get around the block, and realize you don’t have the address as to where your audition is. Pull over, and search your phone for the email from the casting director.

Step 4 :: Gasp when you realize there are TWO sides attached to the email…when you only have ONE prepared.

Step 5 :: Careen back home and rush into the house to print off the second side…where you then learn more about the character and have to change. For the 8th time.

Step 6 :: Gasp again as you’re reading through the second side, and realize not only do you have to scream in the audition, but you have to bawl your eyes out, too. (I look forward to the day this is not a problem. But as it stands right now, I’m still new to this, so it’s going to take me longer than 15 minutes to dig deep and find those emotions.)

Step 7 :: Walk into the audition and immediately break out in hives, realizing that you’re about to cry for these folks based on a script you saw for the first time 15 minutes ago.

Step 8 :: Realize you’ve been defeated when they ask you instead, after the audition, to do a cold read for the ‘best friend.’

And that, my friends, is how it’s done. But I’m thankful for this — I laughed the whole way home. Maybe you think that’s me not taking this seriously, but I think it means I’m much more prepared for this world *now* than I would have been a few years ago. So thanks, real world experience, Emma, Nashville and life, for toughening me up so I can see the humor in days like today.

I’ve gone and done it.

One of the top five things I was nervous about in coming to Los Angeles was the idea of becoming really self-focused. Not only because the industry I coming out here for is notoriously self-serving…but also because the city in general lends itself to being the same way. With all the billboards and fame and good-lookingness and blah blah blah.

Weellllllllll. I did it. I got swept up in all the excess. And while I was complaining to one of my roommates about why – basically – people didn’t act like I wanted them to, she opened her mouth…and humbled me.

She said it was probably a condition of me needing everything to be about me, and putting myself before others.

And she’s right. So, so right.

It would have been one thing if she and I weren’t friends…or if there was an assumption of intimacy…but this girl has taken the time to get to know me, has been kind and encouraging from the start. So hearing this truth from her caused me to step back and take the time to evaluate.

Embarrassing? Yes. But I’m so. so. so glad to have someone in my life willing to be that up front…and speak the truth in love. And I hope that all of you have, or find, one person to be that kindly honest in your lives.

Now then, to tackle the rest of the issue. Blergh.

I’ve been down on Generation Y for a few years. Shortly after I started working at Emma, my first job out of college, I read an article in Forbes about my dear generation. And they had me pegged. I was a 23-year old who thought she could teach the owner’s of the company a thing or two about…well…anything. I felt entitled to levels of respect, attention, and even seniority that I hadn’t necessarily earned.

Reading that article caused me to take a hard look at myself…and a lot changed. But the pendulum swing sent me over the top. My peers who didn’t work hard, or claimed they were “following a dream,” perplexed me. I couldn’t understand why they weren’t getting their acts together or paying their dues. I felt like our entire generation just stopped using their brains. And don’t get me started on the word “passion.” Every time I heard someone talk about their “passion,” I wanted to start grilling them on how they were actually chasing it…because more often than not…it was all just an idea…with no follow through.

But then I couldn’t deny my desire to pursue acting anymore. And in that process, I had a conversation with my dad that changed my harsh views on Generation Y entirely. We were sitting in a Starbucks in Edmond, Oklahoma over the 4th of July weekend…and he began sharing his heart for things he’d like to do with his life. My father, the career military officer, who is now a high level contractor for one of the biggest companies in the world, wants to spend time overseas. Loving people. Speaking the native languages.

What clicked in that moment, was that maybe Generation Y doesn’t have it all wrong. Maybe we’re just zeroing in on what we really want to do in life a little earlier. So rather than dedicating our 20s through 60s on making money and building our resume, we’ve decided we don’t want to wait for retirement to chase after those heart desires.

Don’t misunderstand me…I don’t think working hard and preparing for your retirement is out-of-date. In fact, I think we could all learn a lot from the work ethic and wisdom from the generations before us. But I also like this generation of men and women who are figuring out ways to chase after their dreams and desires and passions NOW.

Because this is it, guys. We only have this one life. One chance to do whatever it is we are really drawn to. So work HARD. Glean from the wisdom of those older than you. Be SMART. Love people. Don’t invest in relationships where you always walk away feeling badly about yourself. Chase joy. Chase truth. Laugh…and dance…and twirl…and be thankful that you’ve been made just as you are. You’re not anyone else…and no one else is you. Find something you love. Could be anything. Could be taking lunch breaks from your job so you can knit under a tree near your office. Could be finding a way to join the IJM mission. Could be taking pictures…or holding babies…or walking your dog. Whatever it is…work hard at it.

That’s all.

I had my first audition yesterday. Thanks to an angel of a talent manager who is “hip pocket representing” me (which basically means I’m on trial, so I better be good. No pressure there. AT ALL.), I hauled my cookies to Hollywood to audition for two roles in a NBC/Universal web series. And you know? I actually survived. : )

I learned a lot. Like the fact that casting directors or readers will not always give the emotions to help you play off of them. So the acting truly is all on you. Or that if you want to avoid the awkward sitting in a room with all the people you’re auditioning against, get there early and be the first to sign in. Or if you’re auditioning for multiple roles, have your stuff together because there will be *no* time to mentally transition to the next character before you begin reading for it.

Overall, I didn’t do my best. But I didn’t do my worst, either. And the really good news? I don’t think my hives were noticeable on camera. Haaayyyy!

The best part was…when I walking into the audition, a car drove by and sprayed water all. over. me. I was completely water logged from the shins down. So when I walked into the office, my shoes were making that embarrassing sloshing-spongey noise and my jeans were dragging water all over the floor. But I had to laugh. Because it was my first audition. And there I was. Getting my feet wet.

Somewhere in the universe there’s a chorus of dads laughing at that joke.

I’ve completely lost my grace. Seriously. It’s gone. Like the wind.

Apparently something that can happen when you’re depressed is you go through a season of anger. I remember when mine started. And in that season, I stopped caring about making situations less than awkward for people who I felt were mean/rude/uncomfortable.

:: I should note that up until this point, I championed making situations copasetic, no matter who was involved. I loathed awkward moments in conversation, and never wanted people to be at odds with one another. Now…though…now is a different story. ::

For example, if I feel someone is mean, I won’t attempt to find redeeming qualities in them. I won’t try to understand where they’re coming from, or what circumstances could have brought them to being mean. Instead, I make no attempt to carry on conversation, and instead treat them just as I feel they’re treating others. I’m cold, unforgiving, and in no way, shape, or form could care any less.

And I hate that I’ve come to this point. Honestly. My heart is heavy with my arrogant attitude. I don’t want to stress over making every situation shiny and happy, like I did pre-depression, but I also want to be kind to people. To understand them. To be polite. To treat others as I want to be treated. I’m tired of giving people their just desserts. I want to love beyond myself.

Hello, Long Road Ahead. I’m Rachael. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now then, shall we?

This is a brief attempt at trying to better explain my previous post on me not knowing how to date. Due to the response that post received, and the fact that I’m now receiving offers from multiple life coaches for free sessions to find “the one”, I decided a better explanation was in order.

1 :: I am perfectly content right now as a single gal. I am not wishing, or waiting, for Mr. Right to sweep me off my feet right now. Sure, I wouldn’t mind *at all* if he were around…but he’s not. And that is really. and truly. fine. by. me.

2 :: My post was more about the fact that I don’t know HOW to date. Meaning, I have a hard time just having fun with the whole process. Instead, I feel I pretty much know from the first few interactions if a guy is going to be someone I really want to be around. I don’t consider that a bad thing…but there are times I second guess myself and wonder if I’m so serious that I’m missing out. There are other times I’m simply thankful to be that serious because it saves me a lot of time.

3 :: The final point I was trying to make about me not knowing how to date was that, even armed with all my seriousness and discernment, I’ve managed to pick some not-so-nice guys in the past.

There it is. Hopefully that makes more sense. Eh? Does it? Oh, and in case you’re curious. I have made my final selection on a life coach. ; )

I’ve had a few people reach out and ask how auditions and such were going, so I thought I’d try to synthesize all of my thoughts and experiences here. I’ll also be up front and let you know that a blog like this makes me feel very self-righteous…as though I believe there are people out there who actually care what I’m doing right now. But I suppose that’s the partial reason blogging started, so I won’t make apologies. Ha.

There have been a lot of working (or not so working) actors out here who have given me a lot of advice on what to do and what not to do. And as a total novice to this industry, it’s been a process of figuring out what advice to take and what to leave. Many have said if I don’t feel like staying here for the next 10 years, I should just leave now. Some have told me to start in commercials. Others say soap operas. One told me to hide any indication (online and off) that I’m a Christian or have worked for conservative politicians in the past. It’s been a deluge of good, bad and ugly.

Basically, one of the paths (and probably the most viable) aspiring actors choose to take is this:

- Go to Samuel French Bookstore

- Pick up the Agent Workbook – Commercial

- Submit your headshot to every single commercial agent who needs someone like you

- Get picked up, start auditioning, book some commercials

- Audition for student films

- Eventually get picked up by a theatrical agent once you’ve got some solid credits under your belt

This will probably be what I start chipping away at once I’m back from the holidays (and thank you, Barak Hardley, for helping me with that), but I’m still shooting for the stars. Meaning, I’m willing to hop on ActorsAccess.com every day and submit myself for every possible role (provided a shred of me fits what the casting directors are looking for) if it gives me the experience I need to get a manager and theatrical agent.

I’ve also had incredible opportunities to meet with people on the opposite side of the industry from me. Particularly, one casting director and manager have been *so* kind as to meet with me, introduce me to people and point me in the right direction. Yesterday I had a meeting with a management company. The gentleman took one look at me and told me I need to be playing 18-24 year olds. And then subsequently told me my headshots make me look too pudgy, too ethnic, too old, and too unlike myself. The casting director, whose name is Julie, by the way. I’m going to call her Julie instead. Ahem. Julie told me she believes I should market myself as the girl next door, since almost everyone who looks at me is going to liken me to Katie Holmes in the Joey Potter phase, so I need to beat them to the punch.

So, as of this moment, my plan of attack is to come back from the holidays and get into a great acting class (fingers crossed I’ll get in with Adrian Brody’s acting coach. She’s fantastic, from what I’ve heard.). Then it’s time for new, girl-next-door headshots. Which will lead me to submitting myself on Actor’s Access every single day, and building my iMDB page. Oh, and on that note, I’ll probably be reaching out to you all again to look me up on there once it’s built. People searching for names there increases the person’s “Star Meter Rating” and that’s important, from what I hear. : )

Things are certainly lining up to be encouraging out here, but I’m still firmly planted in reality. Does the help and guidance from these people help? Definitely. Does it secure success? No. I could never book an audition. I could fall on my face and never be able to recover. Heck, for those of you who know me well, I could never stop breaking out in hives during auditions and no casting director would ever want to hire me (unless they’re looking for a leprosy-ridden 18-24 year old). You just never know. There’s a partial science in this industry, but there’s also a level of kismet I have no control over.

But I’m willing to work at it.

For now. : )

I really, really do.

I just found my sweet pup a vet out here in Southern California, and it made me so grateful for the vet I left behind in Nashville.

The Hillsboro Animal Hospital in Nashville, Tennessee has, without a doubt, the best staff in the world. When I took my pup in, I could guarantee the following:

+ She’d be received warmly, and like she was the only animal that existed

+ She’d be weighed and her nails would be trimmed

+ If a stool sample was needed, they’d get one (did you know some clinics require you bring in a sample?)

+ The vet would treat her as though she was his own

+ They’d find a way to keep things affordable

Basically, this is just a short plug to tell you if you live anywhere in Tennessee (or Kentucky, Alabama, or Georgia, for that matter), you must take your sweet pets to Hillsboro Animal Hospital. It’s worth the drive. And your pets will thank you for it.

HAH – I miss you. And so does Dutch.