Pardon me, have you seen my grace?
I’ve completely lost my grace. Seriously. It’s gone. Like the wind.
Apparently something that can happen when you’re depressed is you go through a season of anger. I remember when mine started. And in that season, I stopped caring about making situations less than awkward for people who I felt were mean/rude/uncomfortable.
:: I should note that up until this point, I championed making situations copasetic, no matter who was involved. I loathed awkward moments in conversation, and never wanted people to be at odds with one another. Now…though…now is a different story. ::
For example, if I feel someone is mean, I won’t attempt to find redeeming qualities in them. I won’t try to understand where they’re coming from, or what circumstances could have brought them to being mean. Instead, I make no attempt to carry on conversation, and instead treat them just as I feel they’re treating others. I’m cold, unforgiving, and in no way, shape, or form could care any less.
And I hate that I’ve come to this point. Honestly. My heart is heavy with my arrogant attitude. I don’t want to stress over making every situation shiny and happy, like I did pre-depression, but I also want to be kind to people. To understand them. To be polite. To treat others as I want to be treated. I’m tired of giving people their just desserts. I want to love beyond myself.
Hello, Long Road Ahead. I’m Rachael. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now then, shall we?
Tags: anger, forgiveness, hate, love
You can still be kind to people without having to change yourself and situations. It’s okay to let people be as broken as they are. Being your loving self without giving in to their destructive ways is a great way to show them that they don’t own or affect you. I try that, but most days I still end up being as broken as they are.
I mostly agree with California Native, but I have to say that all days you are just as broken as they are. I know I am. I think realizing you deserve death and so do all the people around you, and then realizing that Jesus took what we deserved upon himself is where we start to be able to give grace to people. Giving grace is just as hard as receiving it. We want to be good on our own. We want to be perfect and we want the people around us to be perfect, but that’s never going to happen (not in our current state). Always put the gospel in front of you. You never get past it. You always need it. Remember that Jesus died for the sin of these people (the ones that hurt you), just like He died for your sin (in all your self-proclaimed arrogance). Jesus loves you…. and He showed it on the Cross.