An Open Letter To Adults
Or, how to break up with someone once you’ve graduated from college.
I’m 27. Incredibly young. A whole life ahead of me. So take these words with a 27 year old grain of salt. I could change my tune completely in two years. But after the handful of relationships I’ve been in (and out of), I feel like I’ve learned a bit about how to be respectful of the other person when ending things.
If you’ve only been dating a few months, all you have to say is this:
“I’m sorry. My feelings have changed. I don’t know why. But they have. And staying with you longer is keeping you from the person you’re supposed to be with.” (and thank you, Paul Padgett, for the inspiration and thoughts behind that last sentiment.)
But that’s it. Period. Keep things simple. There’s no need to harp on every point of the other’s personality that drove you crazy or stifled you. Just firmly, and kindly, let them know that your feelings have changed.
If you’ve been dating longer than a few months, like a year or more, you have more ground to say why you feel like the relationship needs to end. But you can still do this without pointing the finger in an exhausting blame game.
Never. ever. ever. EVER say this, or any variation of it:
“You’re more into this relationship than I am.”
Well, DUH. You’re breaking it off. That statement does nothing but negate the entire relationship, and leave the dumpee feeling really misunderstood and foolish, with no recourse. So zip it, folks. You can do the deed without pouring salt into that open wound.
I just want to relieve the world of feeling like the ending of a relationship has to be big and drawn out. All you need to do is give the same respect to the other person during the breakup as you did in the relationship. It doesn’t have to be awkward, or uncomfortable. Will it be? Probably. But keep the focus on being KIND, rather than being right. Either way, you’re coming out of the conversation single. You might as well do it with your head held high. (And if you’re not coming out of a break up convo single, there are forms available at your local police precinct. They’re called restraining orders. Never underestimate the message a restraining order will send.)
And finally…as you’re wrapping things up…please don’t say, “You’re an incredible person.” It’s not the time. It seems trite. If you want to get across the point later that they’re so incredible, carrier pigeon it over. But telling someone you’re dumping that they’re incredible is a little like saying, “I’m sorry, BUT…” No one believes an apology that has a “but” after it.
I know this is all so subjective. Relationships are messy. They probably will never not be messy. I just really want there to be some way for all of us to realize how much weight our words have on others.
So. Be Kind. Rewind. : )
Tags: breaking up, kindness
I second this entire blog. And third and fourth it.
You know the worst thing is, even if you break up in the suggested manner, you’ve still gotta deal with that sick feeling you get when a relationship ends. Because even when you exit with your head held high and on amicable terms, there’s still that punch-to-the-gut ache that gnaws at you for the next few days (or longer I guess). The feeling that you’ve wasted your time. Or you’ve wasted their time. Or that despite your best intentions, you’ve left them feeling even worse off.
So yeah. I agree. But I don’t think there will ever be a way to make it not uncomfortable.
i made it into rachael kahne’s blog!!