How to recover from a bad blog post…
Wednesday, famed author Donald Miller penned a blog directed towards girls on how to live a great love story. You can read it here. Not being a follower of his blog, I actually read it through the numerous supportive retweets that hit my Twitter feed. And I wanted to like it. I wanted to agree with it. But 24 hours later, I’m still bothered by the lack of grace this sermonette of shame expresses.
Let me start by exposing a part of myself that I made a decision awhile back not to bring up on the world wide web. Not because of embarrassment, but simply because it’s no one’s business. I am a virgin. I’m one of those chaste girls Christian men are supposed to be praying for when they go to sleep at night. The perfect partner and mother to children. I don’t hook up with guys…never have. NiCMO’s (non-committal makeouts) are not in my repertoire. So, from Mr. Miller’s blog…I’ve learned that I am the type of woman that will spend a lot of nights crying myself to sleep out of loneliness, but also have the joy of knowing I’ll always be respected by “the right man” because he’ll know I’ve never had “a slutty period.” And you know, there are hints of that in my life. I get restless every couple of years to meet “the one” and get discouraged that it may not happen. And I do hope that my future husband will feel the weight of what it means that I waited for him to have sex. But if the intent of Mr. Miller’s blog was to encourage women to move in that direction, he failed. Failed miserably.
I’ve had the occasion to meet Mr. Miller here and there, and he’s certainly put on a pedestal within the Christian subculture. Beyond that, his book, Searching for God Knows What, spoke more clearly to me in a time of need and transition than any other book ever had. So I was surprised that in this particular blog post, his six points spoke so much anger, hate and shame. There was no remnant of hope…no grace extended to women who have made mistakes, or even been taken advantage of. It’s a post condemning women, and my heart aches for its readers who were reminded that their past may not make them worthy of a good man’s pursuit.
I know his blog was directed toward a very specific audience of women who maintain the morals the Bible commands, so this response is doing a bit of the same. And I agree…women would be MUCH better off if they could truly grasp the measure of their worth, and wait for a man who is going to honor and respect them. But beyond that, I’d also encourage them to wait for a man who will extend grace and mercy and kindness and love that will mirror what God has given us. I wish I could emblazon that on every woman’s heart (including my own).
Interestingly, I have always dated “good Christian men.” I’ve kept myself above board in all aspects in my relationships with them. But if I’m honest, I have never been treated worse than I have in those relationships. For some reason, whether it be expectations, pressure or nerves, it seems like I leave each relationship feeling ugly, worthless and stupid. One relationship in particular left me feeling like a whore. And I don’t use that term lightly. For more than a year after it ended, I felt like a whore. And would you believe I didn’t even kiss that guy? In the three months we were together, we never even kissed. He believed it was important to wait a year before going down that road. But his words cut me deep, and it took years to repair that wound.
I write this only because Mr. Miller’s blog stirred up some of the same physiological reactions I had in that three month relationship. No matter how “pure” I was…it wasn’t enough. I needed to tone down my personality. I needed to change my humor. I, who doesn’t wear revealing clothing because I don’t want imaginations to run wild, needed to cover up even more. But ladies…please hear this…that isn’t love. That isn’t grace. That isn’t mercy. That isn’t God.
So, I ask that you throw that blog out the window. Sure, chase after the good things, the righteous things, the holy things. And when it comes to love, look for a man who forgives. Who extends grace when it seems like there is none to be offered. Who gives mercy when you’re certain you’re unworthy. And hold yourself to the same standard. Look for opportunities to offer forgiveness, grace, mercy and understanding. THAT is God. THAT is good. And THAT, my sweet friends, is what a great love story is.
But, being that I’m not married, I’d like to close with my brother’s insight. He’s married with a new baby, which I feel merits him to speak a wee bit more on this topic.
“What I found sad about the post is that he puts a “love story” on a pedestal. He is also speaking from a place of ignorance. He just got engaged in June and now he is an expert on the marriage relationship. He labels all girls that have had sex before marriage as having gone through a “slutty” period and that no man can marry her and look at her as his equal. Utter bull! I’m not saying virginity isn’t important, but it isn’t a qualification for a great marriage or “love story” as Donald calls it. We as married men are told to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Nowhere do you find Jesus looking at His Church and saying, “I love her, but she went through that slutty period, so I can’t really look at her the same.” He looks at her as a shining bride in pure white. He looks at her as the prize. He doesn’t see who she was or what she’s done (and it was much worse than a slutty period as Donny boy calls it). Yes, the husband will need to forgive his wife for the things that she has done, but the wife will need to forgive the husband for what he has done as well whether or not that was sexual or something else entirely (which in Donald’s case will probably be self-righteousness).”
Tags: Donald Miller blog, great love, love story
After your tweet last night I read Don’s log and was just like, who is this guy to even say these things. Exactly what your bro said basically…he’s no expert on marriage and should not ggeneralize every man by speaking for them on all these issues. So dogmatic. So self-righteous. Your post is a graceful rebuttal, my friend. Hope you’re doing well.
I’ve been following the comments to Don Miller’s blog post, and this response is the most thoughtful and hits the nail on the head.
I’ve been married for 6 years, and I married a man who wasn’t perfect (his finances were a mess, he was in a career transition and didn’t have much direction, and he had lived with a woman before we met), and although I was a virgin when I got married, I wasn’t perfect either (self-righteous, a tad judgmental, insecure, a 40-year-old virgin, which believe me, is a little embarrassing). All of us — whether you went through a “slutty period” or not, bring our imperfections, sins, regrets, insecurities etc, into marriage and it’s only through loving each other as Christ loved us (unconditionally, warts and all) that healing, grace, forgiveness, and TRUE LOVE, is experienced. Neither my husband nor I looked like what Donald Miller describes in his two posts will make a person Marriage Material. But we’re living a beautiful love story.
Maybe after Donald Miller is married for a while, he will understand what it’s all about….
I have a different perspective on all of this, but I respect your position and understand your point of view. One thing I really don’t get, though, despite trying to see it from your (and your brother’s) POV, is the bit about “Yes, the husband will need to forgive his wife for the things she has done [before meeting him].” Huh? That makes absolutely no sense to me. If a woman does something in her past that she regrets (or even doesn’t regret, but feels like it doesn’t represent who she currently is or is striving to be), the only person that needs to forgive her is herself. I absolutely disagree that she needs to get forgiveness from the man she’s with. That’s a power imbalance that makes me uncomfortable.
If the tables are turned and I’m with a man that has a “past” (everyone has a past, btw), I definitely don’t feel like he needs to earn my forgiveness. His life before me was his. Whoever he is today is a result of going through and growing from his past, and that should be a source of celebration or discussion or understanding, not a subject for forgiveness.
I found this through Don Miller’s comments as well, and really loved your entire post and what your brother had to say. As a single 27 year old Christian woman who is also a virgin, I found this far more encouraging than his ideas on living a great love story. I agree with your thoughts on the importance of grace and kindness, and have also experienced quite the opposite from some “good Christian men.” Anyway, thanks for posting!
Hi Rachel –
I’m a first time reader of your blog – found you through the comments on Donald Miller’s post.
I’m here to say I actually really appreciated what he had to say. Though I totally hear you on the grace thing, I think what I heard from Don is a righteous anger towards behavior of women/girls who don’t know their worth and are throwing it all away for cheap sex that they think/hope will bring them what they truly desire (a spouse/relationship). (There are so many layers to this issue – since he clearly didn’t address how girls and women get to this place, which is a huge issue, but I don’t think that was the purpose of his post.) But the anger he expresses towards the behavior IS, I believe, how God feels about pre-marital sex, even if there is freedom and grace for those who are in Christ.
I was that girl Don is talking to. And my husband was the 40-year-old virgin. And by God’s grace I had enough time to get over and heal from my past before we met. It WAS a lot of work. A lot of tears. And I needed God’s grace. And I received it one hundred-fold. If I could go back to my teens and twenties and read Don’s post I’m sure it would have made me angry, but those would have been words I needed to hear. And I wish someone in my world had been as bold as Don to say them out loud to me. It might have possibly saved me years of emotional and physical damage. And the truth is, we live in a society that so carelessly throws sex around like it’s nothing. I’m grateful that Don is addressing an epidemic that has changed our culture and the face of dating, relationships, marriage, sex, love, and even childhood and how parents raise their kids. This is a huge deal.
I appreciate your thoughtful response to Donald’s post. Praise God that you haven’t given yourself away in the ways I and the girls his post is directed to have. I’m not disputing you that grace is a proper response to sin. However I am saying, for me, that grace had to come after truth. And I feel like that’s what Don did really well. He told the truth.
Molly – I completely understand and agree with what you’re saying. Part of what this blog is geared toward is the very particular Christian subculture. Right or wrong, there is an emphasis within the church on keeping yourself from situations you should only share with your husband or wife. That’s what Don Miller’s blog was geared towards, and so I followed suit.
Since moving to LA, I’m learning more and more and more about what it means to truly be in healthy relationships…what it means to forgive myself, and extend forgiveness and grace to others in the event that there is a need or desire to do so. Much of learning that is from dating a man who holds relatively no judgment for *anything* I’ve done…and it’s opened my eyes to the idea that maybe I don’t have to live in this irrational fear that whomever I fall in love with could put me in some kind of purgatory before he’s able to move on and accept me.
Overall, though, I think any relationship calls for a certain level of forgiveness. Not necessarily so one party can feel absolved from something, but because it’s how the world works. If I had a friend that was continually hurting me, but reached a place where she could forgive herself for her mistreatment of others, but never came to apologize and ask for my forgiveness, there’s a rift in our relationship. Does she NEED my forgiveness to accept herself and live a full life? Nope. Not in the least. But it’s a gesture that restores people, and is just as much for the good of the person giving it as the one receiving it.
But I do hear you. And I’ve been contemplating a separate blog post about that very thing. But does this help at all? Or give some clarification as to why there was an emphasis on a couple forgiving each other for past hurts? Or have I missed the point entirely? : )
Thanks for responding, Rachael.
I am probably not the right audience since my views are so different, but it’s still really interesting to me to have this kind of dialogue and find common ground on particular aspects. I get what you’re saying about the need to connect and heal rifts, where they exist, and how that applies in any kind of relationship, friendship, etc. And I *really* like the bit about the guy who holds no judgment for anything you’ve done. That takes a certain kind of confidence, and I think it’s pretty rare (and wonderful).
I really liked this…thanks for voicing it!! I am a regular reader of Don’s blog and I was disappointed with the posts. The guy one was fine, but the girl one seemed to be written to the 17-22 year old. It seemed to be Step 1 to becoming an adult woman or something. No beauty, no depth, not much intention or grace.
Really over these last few months his writing has been different and hasn’t really felt like his older stuff.
Thanks again.
What a great commentary, Rachael! And his (girls) post was a complete and utter failure on many levels. Sloppy writing, for one. Condemning, chauvenistic, shaming, empty. I’m not a slut. At all. And every time I read that word, it was like a fresh slap in the face. “Men percieve all women as sluts” is all I walked away with. It didn’t leave me with a sense of wanting to DO something, to make a change for myself or help someone or simply draw closer to God somehow. The only change I was driven to make was dropping him from my blogroll and twitter. I wish I could chalk it up to a failure to communicate effectively and lack of grace on his part, but I think he’s just too sanctimonious for his own good.
I think that was evidenced by his biting rebuttals to the outcry in the comments on both blog posts. One girl wrote that she felt chastised and he responded by saying “chastise? I don’t chastise. Sorry to disagree with you, but that’s not what I did. Stopped reading at that comment”. So, she felt like he called her a slut and then he actually did chastise her for expressing hurt feelings… What? … I hope Jesus is a lot more gentle with me in the end than that. He considers himself to be a good leader but those were not the words of a leader at all. Such a disappointment and soooo shallow.
He could do a lot of good with an earnest apology but I think he’s too arrogant to make the gesture.
Hey there, I found my way here through Don’s tweet. I’m a 30-year-old guy who agreed with Don’s posts. Maybe he could have titled them better, as “not hooking up” isn’t all it means to live a great love story (and in his comment to Caroline he pointed out that there was a lot he didn’t say, and it’s easy to critique that.) but that doesn’t make his points less true. In my view he was dead on. Guys who’ve gone through the very difficult time of waiting for their bride until they have sex only to find out that on their wedding night he’s going to be her 2nd or 5th or 9th guy? Cam you see how that might cheapen things? And vice-versa if it was the dude who’d been with anyone before her.
Of course there’s forgiveness, and of course healing is possible through Christ, but the Bible isn’t just filled with “God will forgive you.” There are aggressive commands to say yes to Christ and life-giving things and no to things that bring destruction. Don was simply saying, Don’t destroy your own soul and bring death into your marriage. He was right– people who give themselves to someone they haven’t committed to (especially if it was more than one girl or guy) are easy.
Men of character will forgive. But men of character also want a woman of virtue who’s done the hard work of saying no to hook-ups because they’re saying a thousand yesses to their future husband.
I don’t know man, sounds more like you want her virginity than her. It would seem that, quite possibly, if there was an unconditional acceptance of the other, I mean for real, then one’s history would come out earlier than the wedding night. It would be safe to speak freely.
I’m not condoning pre marital sex, but I wonder, what things are cheapened? Does it destroy souls? Or, in (easily) saying others are easy are we destroying souls?
Does the woman who says no to hook-ups say no because they are saying “a thousand yesses to their future husband”? Her worth and decisions, are, I suppose only to be defined in relation to some future man, who, while perhaps not showing up in the future, nevertheless governs now. You could, of course, reverse it and put it in terms of the guy saying no and saying a thousand yesses to his future wife…but its interesting how much less that’s really thought of as an option, given the male privilege to determine himself by himself. (or God, but usually, it seems that’s actually god, that is, still man’s construction of God; an idol; himself)
I’m just a little sceptical of where the life is in your set up there, or rather, if it serves everyone.
I’m sure this comment makes me out to be a flaming postmodern left wing communist feminist, but, as any good postmodern communist feminist will tell you, I eschew labels, ha! No, but seriously, it sounds a lot like patriarchy to me, and I’ve attacked that pretty strongly here. Take it as that, nothing else (unless it is something else, but let me know if it is)
Cody, this is Rachael’s brother, Gabe, that she quoted in her blog post. I’m also a 30 year-old guy. I’ve liked Don’s writing in the past and have read a few of his books. What I’ve liked in his writing in the past is the humility he seemed to have. The one thing that he said in “Blue Like Jazz” that has stuck with me was when he was describing himself after buying a gift for his mother out of his petty change for Christmas: “…I felt ashamed and wondered silently whether they knew they were eating with Hitler.” He described himself as Hitler because for a moment he had a faint glimpse of how horrible his sin was and is.
“Men of character” only exist because of the grace of God. “Men of character” are worse than Hitler without Jesus Christ. Character, virtue, faith, grace, truth, mercy, love, etc. are all gifts given to us by God. To think that we did any good outside of Christ is ridiculous.
I’ll concede that Don was right- people who give themselves to someone they haven’t committed to are easy, but I encourage you to take it further than that, just as Christ did. He that has looked lustfully upon a woman has committed adultery with her in his heart. With that statement Christ basically says, “You are all easy.” Why does He set such a high standard? He does it because we need to realize that we all have sinned and that we all fall short. To think that you have kept all God’s commandments is pure self-righteousness.
Do you think that I care that my wife may or may not have slept with men before she married me? Honestly I don’t. If I did, then I guess I wouldn’t have the faintest understanding of my own sin.
Don didn’t speak the truth because while it had elements of the truth, he missed grace, mercy, forgiveness, and surprisingly in a blog post called “How to Live a Great Love Story”, he missed love.
brilliant. Thank you for speaking to this with more grace and wisdom than I could ever have. I’m looking forward to Don’s response and hope it paves the way for a better conversation and an even better love story for us all.
I agree with this 100% – and Donald Miller is a fave author of mine. His post to women so annoyed me! Honestly, what annoyed me most was that the man is not even married just yet.
You raise amazing points here. Not to mention, GRACE.
Thanks for your post. I thought perhaps I was the only one still quietly thinking over this blog post and feeling kind of icky afterwards. I felt the same reading Don’s post. As a frequent reader of Don’s blog, my sense was that this post was similar to when John Eldredge tried to write a book for women…not his audience.
To show him grace, and because I have a ton of mutual friends with him who all say he’s wonderful, I bet Don didn’t mean to come across the way he did. Maybe he did. I don’t know. He’s done so much to reform our evangelical worldview, so I have to think it was out of an excitement and naivety of being newly engaged and in love. I got a sense reading it of some of the dating experiences he may have had that have shaped his view of women in this way. The lack of grace…from a man who writes almost solely about grace that struck me as odd. I felt like it was glib and quickly written. This said, Don is responsible for what he puts out there in print so I’m curious what he will have to say after reflecting on some of these comments.
I’ve worked hard for 15 years to police my body in Jesus’ name. I have a yellow True Love Waits card I signed in High School, and I’ve heard all the talks and sermons. In that process I’ve had a lot of horrible experiences with christian men who have tried to rape me while I was sleeping, sexually assaulted me as I drove one home who was drunk at a wedding (I was sober), been abused in high school by a temporary youth pastor, and sexually harassed by two denominational leaders/pastors when I was a young girl in ministry. I’m not a slut. I wasn’t asking for it. I grew up in a place so overly sexualized (Hollywood) that the sexual ethics I’ve held to are nothing short of God’s sweet miracle. The fact that I am in the church at all is a miracle! These assaults on my soul led me into eating disorders, self hatred, and depression. I am free of these things now by God’s grace. I offer this truth to any girl out there who needs to know if there is hope. There are so many good men out there, these dear wonderful brothers have helped me heal and trust and know that I’m worthy of good things. I believe Don is one of these great men. Truly.
Youth group level talks to girls who have walked this kind of road, a bumpy road with Jesus, don’t help the shame women are told is theirs for having a sluttly season, out of a place of deep pain. The RADICAL and passionate love God has showed me…to redeem every single broken and painful moment in my story is the BEST love story of all.
I am not defined by my past. I am liberated from it by the love Jesus has shown me on the cross…and in the tender moments where he has led me to deep healing and restoration. I am a new creation…and yet my story has shaped my perspective. A deeper view of His mercy, I am grateful for.
I agree with Don and I do think as women we have to step into this culture and say “this is how I’m going to be treated” and boldly ask not to be “sexted” by eharmony matches before we even meet them (give me a break, right?), tell the guys at singles groups that unless they’re gay a coffee date is…a date and we expect to be communicated with and taken on real dates, and believe we are worth a man who will look us in the eyes and see our souls…and most of all love the person we are for the road we have been on. I know that the beauty I have to offer is a complex and deep beauty because I know the depth of the kind of grace God offers us when we come to him with all of us. I don’t bring baggage along with me, I have sorted through mine and Jesus is carrying mine. I won’t be a burden to my husband in this way.
Back to Don’s blog, I think there was a gentleness missing from his voice that is usually present…perhaps he was in a weird mood when he wrote this?? I hope he stays true and connected to the grace-giving passionate writer he is and rephrases some of what he was so bold to share.
I also want to say that I am weary of friends who have the formula of “how to get married” once they get engaged as if there is a method to follow. Stories, as I’m sure Don would agree, are all written differently.
Hi. We don’t know each other but I felt the need to reply to this.
I like Don and don’t think he’s a malicious person at all, but the main problem I had/have with his post is (aside from the gross over-usage of the word “slutty”) he never advocated waiting for marriage to have sex, which I thought strange for someone who claims the name “Christian”. He said to make the guy “work for it” but never once said to just not have sex until you’re married because it’s what God wants. I even tweeted him about whether or not he was condoning pre-marital sex or not and he never replied. Weird, no??
That, and some other things he’s tweeted in the past had led me wonder if he and his lady are sleeping together now that they’re engaged.
I shared on his blog the story of my “slutty period” and the ten years since and how I struggle in my heart with wondering if I’ll ever meet a Godly man that can look past my past and love me for me. And truely, really not care about what I’ve done.
Now, I want to share a story with you about “why” I struggle with this.
When I was in college I met a guy and we became really good friends, really quickly. The kind of friend you eat pizza with late at night, tell your hurts to, cry in front of… blah blah blah.
He knew some of my past and I knew some of his. We had both messed up.
I started to developed feelings for him after a while, but never told him because I was too underconfident and just couldn’t (I was overweight and not in a good place, etc). I knew I’d rather just be his friend than tell him and ruin it, you know?
Anyway, one day we were talking, about life and our futures and the topic of spouses came up. He looked at me and said “You know, I *really* want to be my wifes first”
My heart broke that day because what *MY* ears heard him say when he said that was- sorry, I have higher standards and desires for myself ….and you (or someone in your postion) just aren’t it.
I had had SO many dreams about the two of us maybe one day winding up together, but the second that one sentence came out of his mouth all those dreams were dashed because I knew the truth- I would never be good enough. Even if I did weigh 110 pounds and had all the confidence in the world, I lacked the one thing he deemed so very important: virginity .
I was NEVER the same after that day.
(And what really blows me up is that this guy was not a virgin himself, yet he was requesting one, so to speak. I’ve never understood it.)
Anyway… the point is to say this:
Hopefully there are guys that can look beyond “the ugly” and hopefully one day I’ll meet one. Hopefully I won’t be thought of as a “charity and not an equal” like Don said.
Although I agree with what he said about not pretending to be something you’re not, and about not giving excuses, I think for the sake of ladies hearts everywhere (NOT to be confused with their egos) he could have been a tad more loving and a tad more grace giving. He could have said what Jesus would have said, something like- You should try your best to live this certain way, but if you mess up, thats ok because you’re covered and I still love you”
Anyway, thats my piece.
Also, how incredibly BLESSED you are that you don’t have to worry about what its like to be on the other side. It’s not worth it to mess up, I promise. And though it doesn’t sound like you’re struggling with your decision at all, let me encourage you by saying STAY YOUR COURSE! What a awesome guy you’ll be blessed with- and I can’t imagine the look on his face when you tell him you waited.
What a treasure you’ll be to him!
[...] list of rules.…Looking at a few other responses to what Miller wrote, I was especially sad to read this post from a Christian woman who seems to have followed “the rules”:… I have always [...]
Two opposing positions, and both are pure patriarchy. One presumes a woman needs to be led through a story by a man, that her value is in making a man feel masculine, by being an unspoiled character in his own little romance flick, whose sole existence – even before he came along – was for him. The opposing opinion in contrast is so gracious. Sure, it too recognises that a woman who has been a slut has sinned against a man, but surely a man should show Forgiveness to the sullied woman? Because you know, men have the power to impart forgiveness, a bit like the gods.
It’s moments like this I’m glad I’m an atheist.
Sweet Rachael – I just love you. You are such a gift!!!
Rachel and Gabe as well, your comments are good to read! I’m blown away consistently by the church’s arrogance and patriarchy around women and have left so many times over it (but keep coming back). It’s heartbreaking that, in a world where little girls are sold, trafficked, killed (watch the “Whistleblower” and realize that the director TONED IT DOWN from the true story), where 160 million girls in Asia who should exist simply …. don’t, where 1 in 3 women has been harassed or assaulted, where 1 in 6 is raped, where almost 100,000 children in the USA don’t have a mother or a father as they languish in foster care … in THIS world, the highest calling we give to women is “keep your pants on, be quiet, make the boys feel good about themselves at your expense, but not too good or its your fault.” Shameful.
It’s not a woman thing. A woman brings so much to her husband’s life – she is the Lord’s gift to him. And that verse says nothing about the state of her hymen. Women with as busy a past as their husbands’ often marry well (they know more about men due to their time and experience with them and make smarter, more informed choices about who will be a “good” husband), make their husband amazingly happy, are incredible mothers, raise well-rounded adults, and – shocker – no one but God and her ever need to know or worry their little heads about her “past.” It’s between her and God.
I finally left the church for dating purposes because I found some of the most emotionally abusive, entitled, underperforming, emotionally immature men there hiding behind philosophies like this. Boys, you don’t get to sleep with a college campus, repent, enter the church, demand a 19-year-old virgin for sacrifice on your alter of manliness, and not expect to be called on it. Jesus is standing over there with the 19-year-old, arm in arm, shaking his head, going, “Heck to the Naw, honey! That boy is crazy! Now, tell me how its going with you in school and let’s grab some Starbucks.” (You’ll notice sometimes Jesus talks to us women without referencing our sexuality – it’d be lovely if more men of the church could follow suit.)