Those words have resonated over and over this week. We’re going through the book of Hosea at Reality LA right now, and my pastor zeroed in on chapter 6:4-6 on Sunday. Verse 4 caught my eye (and heart) over and over…

“Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away.”

In a nutshell, are you all appearance and no substance?

You’ve probably had friends say to you from time in your life, “Well, at least you realize it…” after you confess a thought or action you know needs to be changed or corrected, but you simply haven’t made the steps toward changing it yet. Well…hmm…how do I say this? I feel like that’s a load of crap.

Self-awareness is important. Vital, even. But let’s get with the program, folks. Only being aware and not offering up change is useless, and should end as you grow in maturity. There may be a time in your life where self-awareness can be celebrated and complimented. But if it’s never paired with change…it’s BORING. Useless. Old. And I’d venture a guess that most of the people in your life are o-ver-it.

I was reading through my journals and lost count of how many times I cried out that I want a life marked by love…that I will ravish this world with love. How my hope is that every human being I come into contact with walks away knowing that they are cared for and appreciated, and that there is a purpose in their existence. But then I take an honest look at my life…and can tell you that I take more care in protecting my boundaries and keeping people at arms length than I do letting them know they’re loved.

(Spare me the ‘poor you’ lines, folks. I know that it may not be realistic to love on everyone, and that boundaries are necessary to keep yourself healthy and sane. What I’m saying is I’ve lost the focus. I’ve become all talk. I desperately speak of action and love…but there is no follow through. My words fall flat as good intentions. And who CARES about good intentions if there’s never any action?)

Anyway…this is what I’m mulling over. And now that it’s out there in the world…I suppose I’ll have the accountability of you. I welcome it. As painful as it will be. : )

It was spring but it was summer I wanted; the warm days and the great outdoors.

It was summer but it was fall I wanted; the colorful leaves and the cool dry air.

It was fall but it was winter I wanted; the beautiful snow and the joy of the holiday season.

It was now winter but it was spring I wanted; the warmth and the blossoming of nature.

I was a child but it was adulthood I wanted; the freedom and the respect.

I was twenty but it was thirty I wanted; to be mature and sophisticated.

I was middle-aged but it was twenty I wanted; the youth and the free spirit.

I was retired but it was middle-age that I wanted; the presence of mind without limitations.

My life was over but I never got what I wanted.

–noun

————————–

Pride is a slippery little sucker.

For example, I technically live in Van Nuys, California. That is what my actual zip code actually states. But, most people familiar with the city sneer when I say, “Van Nuys.” Instead of ignoring it, because I live in a cozy, clean, safe home with wonderful neighbors and rows of well-manicured lawns, I let my pride determine my new response: “Oh, I live in an area called Lake Balboa. It’s where Sherman Oaks and Van Nuys meet.” All of which is completely true, but, holy cow. Who needs to rattle off all that to a simple question?

Or my new job at a little coffee shop seems to find a way to take shots at my pride every shift. One customer recently brought up the public school system, and how she feels like people have demonized it over the years. I told her I was a product of the public school system, as a way of agreeing with her and showing her capable, smart people can come out of it. She hesitated, then insinuated that maybe there was a reason it has the reputation it does, considering I’m just working at a coffee shop for a living. Ouch.

I could go on and on with examples, but none of it matters. Pride, in this sense, is a terrible thing. Pride causes us to grit our teeth when someone suggests they’re above us. Pride causes us to make hurtful remarks when the easiest thing to do is say thank you and hang up the phone. Pride drives us to prove prove prove…rather than being free to enjoy our lives as they are…without explanation.

So, I’m letting it go. All of it. For as long as I can. : ) And then you can kick me in the teeth and remind me to let it go. Again.

And I really…really…really don’t want to let the things I’ve picked up in Spain to wear off once I’m back in the US.

Here…you let life happen. You ENJOY. You take your time. You laugh. You let relationships happen. You strike up conversations with the people at the table next to you. You’re invited over for a drink. You breathe deeply. You rest well. You take yourself less seriously. And it’s wonderful.

I’ll miss the sangria…cafe con leche…patios facing the ocean and conversations with locals and travelers alike. I’ll miss the pace. I’ll miss the pubs during World Cup wins, the beachside sushi in Sitges, and the upfront frankness of the men. (I mean it…it was fascinating to be spoken to so bluntly.)

But I just hope I can live like this once I’m back in the midst of the hustle and bustle of Hollywood. To step back and remember to enjoy the moments, love people, be hospitable to others, and find lots (and lots) of time to laugh. And to those of you who see me on a regular basis…please remind me. : )

For now…I pack. And try to remember every detail of this summer. If you want to take a peek at my time, you can do so here.

Why some, and not others?

I think part of it may come from highly social communities. I remember people being really socially exhausted in Nashville, so it was more likely for walls to go up with some folks. It wasn’t necessarily to be a jerk (although it comes off that way), it was just a defense mechanism to preserve our energy for the people we feel more naturally drawn to.

And while I think boundaries are good…I don’t think choosing who we are (and aren’t) kind to is an okay way to go about it. I see this tendency far too often in myself. And I hate it. So…it’s time to wage war on myself. To painstakingly cut that out of my character. To offer grace to those who aren’t kind to me…because I understand where their reasons may spring from. And to those I’ve treated in this manner…I’m very, very sorry.

For now…here’s another Spain peek:

Aslan's in Madrid! With Edmund and Lucy!

I forgot my sunglasses. Bad. Move.

What mealtimes look like these days.

Google sponsors Madrid's Gay Pride & Owen enjoys a Corozon Bandera Gay (he was not *at* the parade, fyi)

The day we *thought* we were getting Owen's cast off.

I’m 27. Incredibly young. A whole life ahead of me. So take these words with a 27 year old grain of salt. I could change my tune completely in two years. But after the handful of relationships I’ve been in (and out of), I feel like I’ve learned a bit about how to be respectful of the other person when ending things.

If you’ve only been dating a few months, all you have to say is this:

“I’m sorry. My feelings have changed. I don’t know why. But they have. And staying with you longer is keeping you from the person you’re supposed to be with.” (and thank you, Paul Padgett, for the inspiration and thoughts behind that last sentiment.)

But that’s it. Period. Keep things simple. There’s no need to harp on every point of the other’s personality that drove you crazy or stifled you. Just firmly, and kindly, let them know that your feelings have changed.

If you’ve been dating longer than a few months, like a year or more, you have more ground to say why you feel like the relationship needs to end. But you can still do this without pointing the finger in an exhausting blame game.

Never. ever. ever. EVER say this, or any variation of it:

“You’re more into this relationship than I am.”

Well, DUH. You’re breaking it off. That statement does nothing but negate the entire relationship, and leave the dumpee feeling really misunderstood and foolish, with no recourse. So zip it, folks. You can do the deed without pouring salt into that open wound.

I just want to relieve the world of feeling like the ending of a relationship has to be big and drawn out. All you need to do is give the same respect to the other person during the breakup as you did in the relationship. It doesn’t have to be awkward, or uncomfortable. Will it be? Probably. But keep the focus on being KIND, rather than being right. Either way, you’re coming out of the conversation single. You might as well do it with your head held high. (And if you’re not coming out of a break up convo single, there are forms available at your local police precinct. They’re called restraining orders. Never underestimate the message a restraining order will send.)

And finally…as you’re wrapping things up…please don’t say, “You’re an incredible person.” It’s not the time. It seems trite. If you want to get across the point later that they’re so incredible, carrier pigeon it over. But telling someone you’re dumping that they’re incredible is a little like saying, “I’m sorry, BUT…” No one believes an apology that has a “but” after it.

I know this is all so subjective. Relationships are messy. They probably will never not be messy. I just really want there to be some way for all of us to realize how much weight our words have on others.

So. Be Kind. Rewind. : )

Please, please, please. I beg you. Take a moment and visit Hands On Nashville’s webpage to donate $10 to Nashville Flood Relief. That’s equivalent to 3 tall skinny vanilla lattes from Starbucks. And let’s be honest…they’re just not as good as they used to be. So let’s help save one of our nation’s incredible cities. Let’s repair some homes, hearts, businesses and water treatment facilities. It’s only $10.

Flooding video and pictures

Keith Olberman on the Nashville flood

It’s an incredibly ugly part of me. Something I don’t admit to in conversation. Something I try to cover up for the most part. But I believe in order for there to be healing, things must be brought to light. (And it’s 2010, so how *else* would you bring something to light other than on a blog?? Heh.)

Over the past few years, I’ve managed to get hurt. A lot. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes for silly reason, sometimes for no reason at all. But I’ve kept track of every slighting I’ve received. I’ve remembered the people and places and circumstances that have caused me to cry, or become angry, retreat within myself, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And each time something new has come up, it’s compounded everything else in my heart. I’ve become something I never wanted to be. I have thin skin and a hard heart. For a lot of my relationships, I’ve created a no win situation for people. People cannot win with me. I set them up for failure. And I truly…truly…truly hate it.

It’s part of why I’m taking a 40 day break from Facebook. Status updates, pictures, comments going back and forth in the mini feed…so many things just added to this admittedly unrealistic pile of hurt. So for the remaining 29 days (and beyond), I’m working to surrender the bitterness. And God is being faithful.

I’ve been going over the story of Joseph…and I’m simply amazed that he didn’t seem to get bitter. Here’s a man whose own BROTHERS sold him into slavery because they hated him that much. Then he had a life with moments of extreme favor, then extreme punishment, and he ended up being placed in a position of power over all of Egypt by the Pharaoh himself. And when a famine occurred, Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt to buy grain and met with their long lost brother, who they had assumed was dead. And what did Joseph say to his brothers? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. (you can read the full account in Genesis 37-50)

That’s it. He didn’t put them in their place. He didn’t use his power to punish them. He didn’t ignore them. He wasn’t passive aggressive. He spoke KINDLY to them. He took care of them.

That is my desire. To live in freedom and love deeply. To set aside my expectations of people and relationships and draw strength and wisdom from the One who created me. I want to forgive and seek forgiveness from those I’ve hurt, and have hurt me. And I want to live as though Heaven is here and now.

Want another story of forgiveness? Read Corrie ten Boom’s story. It’s short and humbling.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

As an aside, just in case there are people out there giving me a hard time for posting this on Facebook, don’t fret. My blog automatically imports into ye olde FB. So I’m not breaking any rules. : ) You can read the original entry here.

Reading that article caused me to take a hard look at myself…and a lot changed. But the pendulum swing sent me over the top. My peers who didn’t work hard, or claimed they were “following a dream,” perplexed me. I couldn’t understand why they weren’t getting their acts together or paying their dues. I felt like our entire generation just stopped using their brains. And don’t get me started on the word “passion.” Every time I heard someone talk about their “passion,” I wanted to start grilling them on how they were actually chasing it…because more often than not…it was all just an idea…with no follow through.

But then I couldn’t deny my desire to pursue acting anymore. And in that process, I had a conversation with my dad that changed my harsh views on Generation Y entirely. We were sitting in a Starbucks in Edmond, Oklahoma over the 4th of July weekend…and he began sharing his heart for things he’d like to do with his life. My father, the career military officer, who is now a high level contractor for one of the biggest companies in the world, wants to spend time overseas. Loving people. Speaking the native languages.

What clicked in that moment, was that maybe Generation Y doesn’t have it all wrong. Maybe we’re just zeroing in on what we really want to do in life a little earlier. So rather than dedicating our 20s through 60s on making money and building our resume, we’ve decided we don’t want to wait for retirement to chase after those heart desires.

Don’t misunderstand me…I don’t think working hard and preparing for your retirement is out-of-date. In fact, I think we could all learn a lot from the work ethic and wisdom from the generations before us. But I also like this generation of men and women who are figuring out ways to chase after their dreams and desires and passions NOW.

Because this is it, guys. We only have this one life. One chance to do whatever it is we are really drawn to. So work HARD. Glean from the wisdom of those older than you. Be SMART. Love people. Don’t invest in relationships where you always walk away feeling badly about yourself. Chase joy. Chase truth. Laugh…and dance…and twirl…and be thankful that you’ve been made just as you are. You’re not anyone else…and no one else is you. Find something you love. Could be anything. Could be taking lunch breaks from your job so you can knit under a tree near your office. Could be finding a way to join the IJM mission. Could be taking pictures…or holding babies…or walking your dog. Whatever it is…work hard at it.

That’s all.

Apparently something that can happen when you’re depressed is you go through a season of anger. I remember when mine started. And in that season, I stopped caring about making situations less than awkward for people who I felt were mean/rude/uncomfortable.

:: I should note that up until this point, I championed making situations copasetic, no matter who was involved. I loathed awkward moments in conversation, and never wanted people to be at odds with one another. Now…though…now is a different story. ::

For example, if I feel someone is mean, I won’t attempt to find redeeming qualities in them. I won’t try to understand where they’re coming from, or what circumstances could have brought them to being mean. Instead, I make no attempt to carry on conversation, and instead treat them just as I feel they’re treating others. I’m cold, unforgiving, and in no way, shape, or form could care any less.

And I hate that I’ve come to this point. Honestly. My heart is heavy with my arrogant attitude. I don’t want to stress over making every situation shiny and happy, like I did pre-depression, but I also want to be kind to people. To understand them. To be polite. To treat others as I want to be treated. I’m tired of giving people their just desserts. I want to love beyond myself.

Hello, Long Road Ahead. I’m Rachael. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now then, shall we?