But this weekend I started thinking about forgiveness as a choice, rather than a feeling (and as a girl who feels too much, it’s actually nice to take a break from searching out feeling a certain way).

Perhaps it’s time to make a choice. Forgive this person. Forgive what they’ve done to you. CHOOSE to forgive. And maybe…just maybe…in some situations…choose to even forget it. Maybe it will have to be a daily thing. Especially if that person is in your daily life. But as an exercise of the will, rather than waiting on a heart change, I think we’d all grow exponentially.

And who knows? Maybe by choosing forgiveness over and over, we’ll eventually get that heart change we’ve been seeking out.

Oh…and on a side note…just in case you need it. Know that you can extend this forgiveness to yourself, too.

It’s an incredibly ugly part of me. Something I don’t admit to in conversation. Something I try to cover up for the most part. But I believe in order for there to be healing, things must be brought to light. (And it’s 2010, so how *else* would you bring something to light other than on a blog?? Heh.)

Over the past few years, I’ve managed to get hurt. A lot. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes for silly reason, sometimes for no reason at all. But I’ve kept track of every slighting I’ve received. I’ve remembered the people and places and circumstances that have caused me to cry, or become angry, retreat within myself, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And each time something new has come up, it’s compounded everything else in my heart. I’ve become something I never wanted to be. I have thin skin and a hard heart. For a lot of my relationships, I’ve created a no win situation for people. People cannot win with me. I set them up for failure. And I truly…truly…truly hate it.

It’s part of why I’m taking a 40 day break from Facebook. Status updates, pictures, comments going back and forth in the mini feed…so many things just added to this admittedly unrealistic pile of hurt. So for the remaining 29 days (and beyond), I’m working to surrender the bitterness. And God is being faithful.

I’ve been going over the story of Joseph…and I’m simply amazed that he didn’t seem to get bitter. Here’s a man whose own BROTHERS sold him into slavery because they hated him that much. Then he had a life with moments of extreme favor, then extreme punishment, and he ended up being placed in a position of power over all of Egypt by the Pharaoh himself. And when a famine occurred, Joseph’s brothers came to Egypt to buy grain and met with their long lost brother, who they had assumed was dead. And what did Joseph say to his brothers? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.” Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. (you can read the full account in Genesis 37-50)

That’s it. He didn’t put them in their place. He didn’t use his power to punish them. He didn’t ignore them. He wasn’t passive aggressive. He spoke KINDLY to them. He took care of them.

That is my desire. To live in freedom and love deeply. To set aside my expectations of people and relationships and draw strength and wisdom from the One who created me. I want to forgive and seek forgiveness from those I’ve hurt, and have hurt me. And I want to live as though Heaven is here and now.

Want another story of forgiveness? Read Corrie ten Boom’s story. It’s short and humbling.

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As an aside, just in case there are people out there giving me a hard time for posting this on Facebook, don’t fret. My blog automatically imports into ye olde FB. So I’m not breaking any rules. : ) You can read the original entry here.

Apparently something that can happen when you’re depressed is you go through a season of anger. I remember when mine started. And in that season, I stopped caring about making situations less than awkward for people who I felt were mean/rude/uncomfortable.

:: I should note that up until this point, I championed making situations copasetic, no matter who was involved. I loathed awkward moments in conversation, and never wanted people to be at odds with one another. Now…though…now is a different story. ::

For example, if I feel someone is mean, I won’t attempt to find redeeming qualities in them. I won’t try to understand where they’re coming from, or what circumstances could have brought them to being mean. Instead, I make no attempt to carry on conversation, and instead treat them just as I feel they’re treating others. I’m cold, unforgiving, and in no way, shape, or form could care any less.

And I hate that I’ve come to this point. Honestly. My heart is heavy with my arrogant attitude. I don’t want to stress over making every situation shiny and happy, like I did pre-depression, but I also want to be kind to people. To understand them. To be polite. To treat others as I want to be treated. I’m tired of giving people their just desserts. I want to love beyond myself.

Hello, Long Road Ahead. I’m Rachael. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now then, shall we?