There’s no real brilliance or thought-provoking matter in this post, I just woke up this morning and couldn’t get the kindnesses of others out of my mind. So I wanted to pay tribute.

First and foremost…my parents. I cannot fully express how amazing they are. To have two people who rejoice in your successes, carry you through your trials, and are simply there in the inbetween times…I’m just so humbled to have them. From their support in what I moved here to do…to their gentle (and not-so-gentle) reminders when I’m meandering off course…to even the financial help on the occasion that eating becomes a luxury instead of a necessity…I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I wouldn’t be able to walk this road without them. And to think I’ve never done one thing to deserve it…but they care for me because they love me…because I’m theirs. They are truly an example of love and grace and mercy.

My amazing hair stylist, Sandra “Nina” Buiges. Ha. I know, I know. But she hasn’t just been a “hair stylist”. In the times I’m in her chair, she’s been a voice of reason, a deep well of encouragement, and, simply put, kind. I know it’s bizarre…but I genuinely never expect people to be kind in just about any industry (except for church. then you betta be kind.) Here in LA, because I’m “no one”, I always assumed people in the fashion/beauty industry would speak to me just long enough to get my money and get out of their chair. Not Sandra. She’s always taken time and care with me. And I’m humbled to know her. (Oh…and she gives the BEST haircuts. You should go see her at Fusion Salon 323.804.3120.)

Staci Tobias, ladies and gents. Here is a woman that started out as a friend, and chose simply and without hesitation to help me with my severe back problems. She’s an incredible, licensed masseuse and has never once thought twice about helping to relieve some of the pain I’m living with on a daily basis. She, too, has been a wellspring of encouragement, inclusion and kindness. I am consistently floored by the simple way she loves me and the other people in her life.

The list goes on…but alas, I must depart and get to work. But please….go be kind today. Find people to pour into. It saves their life.

…is paved with good intentions.

Those words have resonated over and over this week. We’re going through the book of Hosea at Reality LA right now, and my pastor zeroed in on chapter 6:4-6 on Sunday. Verse 4 caught my eye (and heart) over and over…

“Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away.”

In a nutshell, are you all appearance and no substance?

You’ve probably had friends say to you from time in your life, “Well, at least you realize it…” after you confess a thought or action you know needs to be changed or corrected, but you simply haven’t made the steps toward changing it yet. Well…hmm…how do I say this? I feel like that’s a load of crap.

Self-awareness is important. Vital, even. But let’s get with the program, folks. Only being aware and not offering up change is useless, and should end as you grow in maturity. There may be a time in your life where self-awareness can be celebrated and complimented. But if it’s never paired with change…it’s BORING. Useless. Old. And I’d venture a guess that most of the people in your life are o-ver-it.

I was reading through my journals and lost count of how many times I cried out that I want a life marked by love…that I will ravish this world with love. How my hope is that every human being I come into contact with walks away knowing that they are cared for and appreciated, and that there is a purpose in their existence. But then I take an honest look at my life…and can tell you that I take more care in protecting my boundaries and keeping people at arms length than I do letting them know they’re loved.

(Spare me the ‘poor you’ lines, folks. I know that it may not be realistic to love on everyone, and that boundaries are necessary to keep yourself healthy and sane. What I’m saying is I’ve lost the focus. I’ve become all talk. I desperately speak of action and love…but there is no follow through. My words fall flat as good intentions. And who CARES about good intentions if there’s never any action?)

Anyway…this is what I’m mulling over. And now that it’s out there in the world…I suppose I’ll have the accountability of you. I welcome it. As painful as it will be. : )

I somehow think I’m going to either win a few enemies with this post…or have a few folks resign themselves to never understanding me…or (most likely) just have people skim and move on without giving it a second thought.

But here they are. My thoughts. On…dating. Particularly within the Christian culture. Weeeeeee!

A funny thing has happened to me a handful of times throughout the last few years. I’ve been asked to “hang out” with really wonderful guys…and we do. And maybe those hangouts include a meal. Or a movie. And maybe the guy pays. And maybe we laugh a lot. And maybe this happens a lot, for a handful of months. And then maybe it ends. And there I am…left confused as to what in the world just happened. Why I’m not hearing from my kind guy friend anymore.

Well…come to find out…those “hang outs” were feelers. The guy was trying to figure out if he wanted to date me or not. And clearly, by the lack of phone calls, I didn’t make the cut.

So here are my thoughts on that little phenomenon. It’s ever so slightly unfair. Not that it ended…but that we weren’t ever upfront enough to be clear. Without fail, in those situations, I’ve been scratching my head thinking, “Uhhh, I don’t get it. I think we’re just friends…but I kind of feel like he might be interested…but then I think he’s this nice to all the girls in his life…so I don’t know what it is or what we are or aren’t.” Simply put, it’s restricting. I’m just so confused as to what’s happening, I don’t feel the freedom to be myself. If a guy is just clear…if he says, “Hey, I’d like to take you out, would you like to go out with me?” then two folks can go out and be free in just letting it be what it is. A date. Where you’re getting to know each other better.

NOW THEN. I really do understand why some guys might be drawn to this type of “dating”…or…pre-dating, I guess? There seems to be a lot of pressure in the Christian dating circuit. Maybe there’s a rush on the girl’s side to get married. And so maybe the guy starts to feel like he needs to know if he’s going to marry the girl or not before he’s even asked her out. And that stinks. Because it’s not realistic. So, ladies, maybe we need to work to stay calm when we’re asked out. And guys, don’t allow yourselves to get dragged into the subtle manipulation girls can often weave into conversations without realizing it. But do give yourself the freedom to be upfront and call a spade a spade.

Now for the disclaimers…

Clearly, I’m not a dating expert. I’m single. I’ve never had a relationship work out. But I am learning more and more about the process. And I’ll tell you this much…when a man comes up to me and asks me out in a clear way…he may have no clue as to if it’s going to go past one date or fifty…but we’re both able to go out with a clear understanding that there’s a level of interest. I also realize that not ALL Christian men or women date like this. It’s just one consistent experience I’ve had within that particular subculture. And whenever I lose a friend out of the deal, I get bummed over it.

That’s all. I’m not going to even edit this post. I just thought I’d let my emotional vomit find it’s way on my keyboard. ; )

I’ve had so many thoughts bottled up in my brain this past month. And I’ve wanted to write about them all. But I legitimately cannot focus a thought…or I’m fearful of how they’ll be received. Which is something for me…since I’ve been enjoying a certain freedom from judgment for the past year or so.

I’ve wanted to write about pride, about dating, about love and selfishness…I’ve wanted to update my friends on life in Los Angeles, and in this industry…I’ve wanted to talk about my discouragement, about my hope, and about my loneliness. But it’s all bottled up in my brain and the synapses just don’t seem to be firing.

So…in short, my friends…I’m feeling ever so slightly empty lately. Chock it up to a million and one things, partially where I’m finding my validation, but it’s where I’m at. And this will pass, as it has before, but…my sweet friend Laura Combes reminded me today I hadn’t said much on here lately…and I just wanted to say hello. That’s all. : )

Love you guys.

I just got back from visiting Oklahoma for a short time…and on my flight back to Los Angeles, I starting thinking about coming out here a year ago. The uncertainties, the fears, all the regular thoughts and emotions that come from taking that step into the wide world of a lifelong dream. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a clear path…or even a vague guide on how to break into this world. I knew I wanted to act…to give myself over to the craft and art…but how?

Thankfully, as it always seems to happen when you’re lending yourself to something you’re supposed to be doing, doors seemed to open up. I met great people in the industry who were filled with honest, kind advice. I was a reader for one of the sweetest casting directors in Los Angeles. And I asked questions. And all of those questions seemed to lead me to Brad Henke.

Brad Henke is an established actor who is dedicated to the art of acting and growing and maturing young actors. I first heard about him through a handful of casting assistants and directors, but knew I needed to RUN into the arms of his studio when I read for Joe Egender. Joe absolutely blew me away in his audition, and I immediately wanted to train wherever he trained. And, naturally, it was with Brad.

So I started pursuing the Henke Studio and technique…and then…as it does…more doors opened. Stella Adler in New York wanted to establish a west coast presence, and after observing teachers in LA, settled on Brad as their perfect partner. They joined forces to create the Art of Acting Studio in Hollywood, and my trajectory has been completely altered. I’m now studying with Jane Fleiss, a woman who has fundamentally changed the way I view scripts and what I bring to them. Everything about me as an actor is changing…being refined and reformed…as a result of the classes this studio has offered up.

I say all this because I remember, so clearly, how dizzying it was to figure out next steps when you first move to Los Angeles. So if there’s even one person reading this blog that has been toying with the idea of making the jump…make the jump here. Into a community of developmental and working actors alike, where you’re asked to bring your A game and really WORK on your craft. This isn’t a studio that is going to let you slack…they’re going to ask you to push yourself further…everyday. You’ll probably be uncomfortable at times (I can attest to that. Ha.), but I promise you, you will NEVER be so prepared in the audition room after working with these artists.

Oh…and another really cool part of being a part of this family? They’ve got a black box theatre. You know, in case you do a little writing you want to be able to perform for an audience. Not saying you have to…but having things like that at your disposal in this town? Priceless. : )

So. If you want to work. And you want to work HARD. If you want to be stretched. If you want to be encouraged. If you want to be surrounded by a team. Then come. Join me. Lord knows I’d love to meet you.

…And I’m not asking this to start a war. I’m just genuinely curious…

I know Christians…incredibly wise men and women, who truly believe the Bible and what it says and who God says He is. But when it comes to practicing love with true abandon, and seeking out the messy people, or hurting people, or etc etc etc, they fall so short of how Jesus told us to love.

And then I know people who don’t go to church, and maybe don’t have a daily relationship with God, but love more fully than the folks I’m speaking of above.

So…I’m just wondering…who is to say who is and isn’t a follower of Christ? Why do some get to decide whether or not a person is good or right for you (in friendship or otherwise) based only on the idea of whether or not they go to a brick and mortar church?

Things I know and understand…that being a Christian (in part) boils down to who you say God is, and how your life is lived as a result of who you say He is. I know that simply being a good person isn’t the point. I also know hundreds of people who strike the balance between the two types I’ve mentioned above.

Maybe I don’t even really understand what I’m asking…

But I’m mulling. Definitely mulling.

If you knew me in Nashville, no doubt you heard me effervesce from time to time about a gal named Carly Rae Manning. She’s one of those rare human beings who is unabashedly herself in every situation she’s ever been in. She refuses to get awkward, but instead greets every situation head on. She’s up front and open…considerate and attentive. She doesn’t dabble in faking it (EVER), but is quick to listen and forgive. She calls out what others won’t say. She laughs…and laughs…and laughs…and laughs some more. I know, for a fact, that there is no one like Carly Rae Manning. And I mean…hello…I’ve met a LOT of people in my life…so I’ll go ahead and make myself the expert.

Well, Carly got engaged yesterday to one of the coolest guys I know. Everyone who knows the two of them are busting at the seams out of excitement, because they’re truly one of those couples that compliment each other perfectly. But her engagement has made me think back through the course of their relationship, and I’m just so inspired by her. By her love and independence and dependence and honesty and patience.

Carly didn’t change who she was throughout the course of her relationship with Kurt (and c’mon, folks…all of you know there’s a time when you want to put on a different face in a relationship). She recognized in herself when there were points where she was tempted to, and made firm decisions to stop that immediately. She allowed herself to be vulnerable with Kurt, instead of wanting to put on her “big girl panties” and prove that she was an independent woman. She loved him well through the hard times every relationship has. And her patience…oh how her patience humbled me. During a recent conversation, she said, “You know…years from now…this won’t feel like a long time. This will seem like a really short period. So I just remind myself of that.” I love that, because it reminds me of the big rush I’m always in to get to whatever finish line I’d like at the moment. She made the decision to enjoy her moments with Kurt…just as they were…without the pressure to make them more this or less that.

All relationships are different…because all people are different. But the testimony I have seen in Carly, and through her relationship with Kurt, has inspired me to change areas of my life. All of which are exciting to me.

Congratulations again, Carly Rae and Kurt. I’m SO excited to watch your lives continue to unfold together. Weeeeeeeeee!

Years ago…before any disabilities, learning or physical, had ever touched my family, I had a very strong feeling about Down syndrome. While many people would wonder why God (or whomever/whatever they generally pin things on when circumstances are beyond their control) would allow these babies to come into the world…I felt the opposite. Like it was God’s ultimate stamp of trust and love for parents to bless them with one of His most delicate, precious possessions. Because not every family can rise to the occasion of a special needs child. It takes a great deal of character to be entrusted with so much.

So last night, my heart lept within me when my dear brother and sister-in-law, Gabe and Audra, gave birth to their first child, Judah Solomon Kahne. Over a month early…4 pounds, 10 ounces…and diagnosed with Down’s. And I can say, without hesitation, that Gabe and Audra are the most patient…long-suffering…kind…meek…and gentle people you will ever come across. My brother has become the most fair-minded, long-to-listen, slow-to-speak man I’ve ever known. And Audra has the disposition of Mother Teresa and Audrey Hepburn put together. As a couple, they abound in love and kindness. And so I consider Judah to be the ultimate blessing for their upstanding lives.

It isn’t without some fear or sadness that Judah has come kicking into this world. He has a congenital heart defect that will determine his future. But he’s strong. He used the last month in the womb to develop as much as possible, and he’s clearly going no where without a fight. Which is good. Because we Kahnes are fighters. And I suspect that Judah will show us all a thing or two on how to really get things done.

I feel honored. Honestly. To have this little one in my family. To call him my nephew. I’m honored. And blessed. And my cup runneth over.

Thank you ALL for your thoughts, prayers, texts, tweets, and emails. You are life friends. Truly.

My boss is awesome.

I managed to get myself in a less than desirable situation with a man recently. And for whatever reason, instead of shrugging it off and marching forward, I felt a bizarre need to keep a level of communication open.

Enter my boss.

He told me, adamantly, that if I truly believed that I was a catch…and one of the best women in the world…and if I truly liked myself, and thought I was a wonderful human being…I wouldn’t write this man back. I would ignore his attempts to reach out because I value myself more than the way he treated me.

Such simple advice. But so true. And I wanted to share that with all you gals out there. To all of you that seem to gravitate toward mean people, whether it be for people pleasing, or the thought you can save them, or help them, or change them, or whatever…take a look at yourself in the mirror. Remind yourself that nothing about you is an accident, or too much, or too little. Surround yourself with people that love and value you. TRULY love and value you. And live in that place. Because this life – this little blip on the world’s radar – shouldn’t be about kowtowing to people who are hurtful for hurtful’s sake. We only have a few short years on this planet. Let’s live them well; loving and being loved.

And if you’re not lucky enough to have a boss that will remind you of these things…then I hope you’ll seek out friends and family who will.

Yep. I went cross-eyed after my second glass…and I invited him to sing karaoke at my birthday party…and it was awesome.

He said something that made me laugh so hard, I told him to stop everything he was doing and tweet it. He fell back laughing, then said, “Hold on, everyone! I’ve said something mildly amusing! I must share it with THE WORLD!”

I hung my head in conviction. Because…you know…that’s how I tweet.

It was just a surreal evening. And big enough for my shortest blog post ever.